Relationship Flags: What They Look Like, Why We Ignore Them, and the Subtle Signs We Miss
Relationships are tricky. When we first dive into one, it's all butterflies and heart-eyes, right? But here's the thing: sometimes, we're so caught up in the excitement that we miss—or ignore—warning signs that can be screaming at us. And I’m not just talking about the obvious red flags; those get a lot of attention. But what about the orange and yellow flags? These often get swept under the rug, yet they can be the early indicators that something just isn’t quite right.
Let’s talk about what these flags mean, why we ignore them, and how unhealed trauma can lead us straight into unhealthy relationships if we're not paying attention.
Red Flags: The Non-Negotiables
Red flags are the big ones—the ones you can’t and shouldn’t overlook. These are the deal breakers, the behaviors that show someone doesn’t respect you, your boundaries, or your well-being. If you see one, it’s a signal to walk away, no questions asked.
Example of a Red Flag: Your partner consistently belittles you in front of friends or family, making you feel small, embarrassed, or insignificant. They might say, "I was just joking," but deep down, you know it's more than that.
Another Red Flag: You discover that your partner is lying about significant things—where they are, who they’re with, or how they’re handling finances. There’s always an excuse, but their dishonesty chips away at your trust.
These aren’t little slip-ups or personality quirks; these are deep-seated issues that scream danger and demand immediate attention. Yet, many of us ignore red flags, especially when we're desperate for love, fearful of being alone, or stuck in cycles of trauma. We may try to rationalize or explain them away: "It’ll get better," "They're just going through something," "Maybe I’m overreacting."
But let’s be real—deep down, you know when something's wrong. So, why do we ignore these flags? Often, it’s because unhealed trauma is in the driver’s seat. Whether from past relationships or childhood wounds, we overlook the bad to hold onto the good, even when the bad is outweighing everything else.
But what if it’s not as obvious as a red flag? What if it’s something more subtle—something that feels off but doesn’t cross the line just yet? This is where orange flags come into play.
Orange Flags: The Growing Concerns
Orange flags don’t get enough attention. These are the signs that aren’t immediate deal breakers, but if they keep happening or go unaddressed, they can lead to major issues down the road. Think of orange flags as those moments that make you pause and think, "Hmm, this doesn't feel right."
Example of an Orange Flag: Your partner shuts down every time you try to have a serious conversation about the future. Instead of engaging, they avoid the topic, change the subject, or leave the room. It’s not harmful yet, but their emotional unavailability starts to feel like a pattern.
Another Example: You notice that your partner is passive-aggressive—making snide remarks when they’re upset instead of openly communicating. They might say things like, "I guess I’m just the only one who cares about this," when they’re frustrated.
Why We Miss Them: Sometimes we think these behaviors will change or improve over time. We convince ourselves that if we just give it more time, or love a little harder, things will get better. But the reality is that orange flags often lead to more red flags if left unchecked. They’re a sign that deeper issues might be lurking beneath the surface.
Maybe the warning signs aren't as intense as red or orange flags, but there's a nagging feeling in your gut. These are what we call yellow flags.
Yellow Flags: The Early Warnings
Yellow flags are the small, subtle signs that something might be off, but they’re easy to overlook. These are behaviors that make you feel a little uncomfortable but aren’t a huge issue—yet. Think of them as tiny whispers from your intuition telling you to keep an eye on things.
Example of a Yellow Flag: Your partner makes you feel like your success is a threat. Maybe they make little comments like, "Must be nice to have things handed to you," when you get a promotion or achieve something meaningful. It’s not overtly aggressive, but you can sense the underlying resentment.
Another Example: You notice that they’re a little too quick to get jealous when you spend time with friends. They might ask you questions like, "Who was that texting you?" or "Why do you need to hang out with them so often?" It’s subtle, but it creates a feeling of discomfort.
Why We Overlook Them: In the beginning stages of a relationship, we’re often willing to brush off these signs. Maybe we’re too wrapped up in the excitement of new love, or we rationalize that “everyone has quirks.” But here’s the thing: yellow flags are warning signs that, if ignored, can grow into bigger problems. They’re your gut’s way of saying, "Pay attention."
So, why do we so often ignore these signs? And how does our past influence the flags we see—or don’t see?
How Unhealed Trauma Shapes Our Perception of Flags
Trauma—especially unhealed trauma—has a way of blurring our perception of what’s healthy and what’s harmful. If you grew up in an environment where love was conditional, or if you’ve been in toxic relationships before, your internal radar for spotting red, orange, and yellow flags can be skewed.
Unhealed trauma makes us more likely to normalize toxic behavior because it feels familiar. You might ignore your partner’s lack of emotional availability because you’re used to that dynamic from your childhood. Or, you might dismiss their passive-aggressive comments because you’ve been taught that conflict is scary or bad.
When we haven’t healed our wounds, we tend to replicate the patterns of our past. It’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking, "This is just how relationships are." But that’s not true. Healthy relationships do not ignore red, orange, or yellow flags. Instead, they acknowledge them, discuss them, and work to resolve them.
Conclusion: Trust Your Gut, Trust Your Healing
Flags are there for a reason. They’re not just obstacles to happiness; they’re the universe’s way of saying, "Hey, something's not right here." Whether it’s a red flag waving in your face, an orange flag raising concerns, or a yellow flag whispering that something’s off, pay attention.
Healing isn’t just about walking away from toxic relationships—it’s about learning to recognize the signs early. Don’t wait until the red flags are so obvious you can’t ignore them. Trust your gut, speak up when something doesn’t feel right, and, most importantly, prioritize your emotional safety.
Ready to break free from patterns that no longer serve you? If you're tired of ignoring the flags and want to heal those deeper wounds, let’s talk. Book a session today to start your journey towards relationships that honor and uplift you—because you deserve nothing less.