Negotiables vs. Non-Negotiables in Relationships: How to Stop Settling and Start Standing in Your Values
Let’s get into it—relationships are where your boundaries and beliefs are tested the most. And if you’re not rock-solid about your own values, it’s way too easy to start bending over backward, shrinking yourself, and compromising on things that shouldn’t even be up for debate. But here’s the truth: if you don’t stand firm on your non-negotiables, you’ll end up sacrificing yourself piece by piece, just to keep someone around who’s probably not even good for you.
In a world where “relationship goals” are plastered all over social media, let’s talk about what actually matters: knowing your worth, setting your standards, and not being afraid to walk away if those standards aren’t being met. This is about defining what’s negotiable and what’s not—where you’re willing to bend and where you absolutely won’t break.
Negotiables: The Things You Can Flex On
Negotiables are the things you’re willing to meet halfway on. They’re preferences, not principles. They’re the “I’d like it if…” not the “I need it to be…” kind of stuff.
Examples of a Negotiable:
You love hitting the gym, but your partner would rather die than step foot in one. Annoying? Maybe. Relationship-ending? Probably not. You can go work out alone, and they can chill at home—no harm, no foul.
You’re a total foodie, and they think Olive Garden is “fine dining.” Look, is that annoying? Yes, it might be (let’s be real, Olive Garden?). But it doesn’t go against your core values. You can work with this.
You like staying up late; they’re in bed by 9. Annoying? Sure. Relationship-ruining? Not unless you’re looking for reasons to bail. This is something you can work around without losing sleep (literally).
Negotiables aren’t about losing yourself—they’re about building a life together that respects both of your quirks and preferences. If it doesn’t compromise your mental health, self-worth, or values, it’s probably something you can find common ground on.
When you start sacrificing your values and boundaries, you’re not “compromising”—you’re settling.
Non-Negotiables: The Lines You Don’t Cross—Ever
Non-negotiables are exactly what they sound like. They’re the core values, beliefs, and boundaries that make you who you are. These aren’t things you “try to get over” for someone else. These are the hard limits that you won’t change, no matter how much you like someone. And if you find yourself bending these, you’re in danger of losing yourself.
Examples of a Non-Negotiable:
You don’t tolerate cheating. Period. Yet here you are, listening to someone say, “Yeah, I cheated in my last three relationships, but I’m different now.” Really? And you’re going to believe that? No. That’s your cue to exit, not an invitation to fix them.
You don’t want to be around drugs, but they’re a daily weed smoker. If that doesn’t vibe with you, don’t fool yourself into thinking you can handle it “because they’re great in other ways.” That’s a core value, not a preference.
You don’t tolerate dishonesty. But then you meet someone who’s open about lying in their past relationships or who glosses over things you know are important. That’s not something to “work on”—that’s a deal-breaker.
Non-negotiables aren’t about being difficult or inflexible; they’re about protecting your identity and peace. They exist so that you don’t lose yourself trying to make a relationship work with the wrong person.
Understanding what you can compromise on and what you cannot is crucial.
Knowing Your Core Values: The Foundation of Your Non-Negotiables
Before you can enforce boundaries, you need to know what the hell they are. Your core values are the things that define you—your beliefs, your principles, the stuff that keeps you grounded.
Ask yourself:
What am I absolutely unwilling to give up for someone else?
What makes me feel like I’m betraying myself?
When do I feel like I’m shrinking to fit into someone else’s idea of who I should be?
These are your non-negotiables. They’re not up for discussion, not something you “try to get over.” And the right person? They’ll respect these boundaries without question.
People often make a mistake by confusing compromise with self-sacrifice. They lose parts of themselves and think it's “love.” It isn’t.
Compromise vs. Self-Sacrifice: Know the Damn Difference
Look, compromise is necessary in any relationship. You’re two different people, and you’re not going to agree on everything. But compromise isn’t supposed to hurt. Compromise is meeting in the middle on things that don’t tear at your values. Self-sacrifice? That’s when you’re cutting out parts of yourself to keep someone else happy.
Example of Compromise: You’re a big family person, and your partner’s relationship with their family is a bit distant. Maybe they’re not going to all your family events, but they’re supportive of you spending time with your family. That’s compromise. They don’t need to be glued to your side, as long as they respect that family is important to you.
Example of Self-Sacrifice: You want a committed relationship, and they tell you upfront they’re only looking for something casual. You think, “Maybe they’ll change their mind.” Newsflash: they won’t. Now you’re twisting yourself into knots trying to be cool with casual when what you really want is a partner who’s all in. That’s self-sacrifice, and it’s not worth your time.
Example of Self-Sacrifice Disguised as Compromise: You’ve always wanted a family, but your partner doesn’t. Instead of leaving and finding someone who shares that vision, you convince yourself that “maybe you don’t really want kids.” That’s not compromise; that’s betrayal—betrayal of yourself.
Another Example: You’re all about financial independence and responsibility, but your partner’s the type to blow their paycheck as soon as it hits. If you find yourself covering for them, stressing over their poor decisions, or constantly bailing them out, that’s not compromise. That’s enabling. And it’s costing you your own financial peace and stability.
Compromise should leave both people feeling seen and valued. If it doesn’t, it’s time to ask yourself why you’re so willing to put your needs last.
If someone wants something different from you, believe them. Don’t think you can change their mind without losing some of yourself.
The Importance of Recognizing Your Value System and Operating from It—In ALL Areas
Your values aren’t just for show. They’re not just things you say you care about when people ask. They’re how you should be living, every single day. So if you say you don’t tolerate infidelity, stop dating people who have a history of cheating. If you say you want someone who’s emotionally available, don’t settle for someone who disappears every time things get real. And if you value honesty, integrity, and trust? Don’t settle for someone who’s only halfway there.
Here’s a hard truth: If you don’t live by your values, you’ll end up attracting people who don’t respect them. And that’s on you. You teach people how to treat you by the standards you set and hold. If you’re willing to overlook red flags or pretend your non-negotiables don’t matter, you’ll find yourself in relationships that don’t align with who you are.
If you’re constantly compromising your values, it’s time to ask yourself: WHY?
Why So Many People Settle—and Why You Don’t Have To
Here’s the thing about settling: it comes from fear. Fear of being alone, fear of never finding someone else, fear of being “too difficult.” But let me tell you something—being alone and in alignment with your values is better than being in a relationship that makes you feel like you’re constantly betraying yourself.
Examples:
Maybe you’re tired of being single, and you meet someone who’s... alright. They don’t check all the boxes, but you figure it’s better than being alone. Fast forward a few months, and you’re unhappy, resentful, and constantly frustrated. Why? Because you settled.
You want a partner who challenges you, who’s growing alongside you. But you’re with someone who’s content with mediocrity, who doesn’t inspire you. That’s not companionship; that’s stagnation.
You’re looking for a long-term, stable relationship. But the person you’re seeing makes it clear they’re not interested in anything serious. Instead of moving on, you tell yourself, "I’ll make them change their mind." That’s not hope; that’s denial. If you want commitment and they don’t, you’re wasting both of your time.
You don’t want kids, but your partner keeps bringing up the future with kids involved. You think maybe you’ll come around, or maybe they’ll change their mind. But here’s the truth: if having (or not having) kids is non-negotiable for either of you, that’s a fundamental incompatibility, not a cute quirk.
Settling means you’re willing to betray yourself just to avoid being alone. But what kind of relationship can you really build on a foundation of self-betrayal?
If you don’t stand firm in your values, you’ll attract people who don’t value you.
Conclusion: Stop Shrinking, Start Standing Tall in Your Values
Negotiables and non-negotiables exist for a reason. They’re there to protect you from losing yourself in relationships that aren’t meant for you. So, get real about what you need and don’t apologize for it. Live by your values, enforce your non-negotiables, and never settle. Because the right person won’t ask you to change who you are to make them comfortable. They’ll love you for the boundaries you set and the standards you uphold.
Call to Action:
If you’re ready to dive deeper into understanding your values, setting boundaries, and breaking the cycle of settling, let’s work together. Book a session today and start building relationships that honor the truest version of you.